I'd even go so far as to say I hate Tabasco sauce.
It turns up everywhere in this country. And mainly because of this ubiquity, I confess I've even used it recently when I felt I really needed to add some kick to something and there was nothing else available. I'm not saying it's fucking poison. I recognize that it's technically food. But I don't like it.
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| It's fucking everywhere... |
In fact, in trying several similar sauces, I've figured out that I don't really like Louisiana style hot sauce in general. Another popular brand in the same style is Crystal Hot Sauce, which I enjoy maybe just a little bit more than Tabasco, but not enough to move it to the actual "like" column. And while I've really enjoyed every other product I've tried from Pain is Good, their Batch #218 Louisiana Style Hot Sauce is the only product of theirs that I never finished and ended up discarding after it sat in a cupboard for several years.
There's just something about the fermented, vinegary flavor that I find way too overbearing. I don't feel like it's enhancing the flavor of anything I'm adding it to, but overpowering and souring it instead. I think it's the oak-barrel-aged thing. Most hot sauces have some vinegar. Some that I really like even have a lot. But Tabasco and its Louisiana style brethren just taste too "vinegary" to me. Too acrid. Gross.
Tabasco tastes like someone kept some budget hot sauce in a plastic bag wrapped around their foot inside a big, warm boot and then walked around on it all year before squeezing that bag's contents out into a little glass bottle, slipping it onto the table next to me and then trying to suppress their giggling while watching face I make while eating it.
And the sauce's relatively mild heat level doesn't help the situation at all. In order to add enough of it to bring my food up to the heat level I'm typically seeking, I have to pretty much drench it in Tabasco. At that point, I'm tasting almost nothing but funky old sour peppers. Veto, Darwin!
Similarly, I'm not a huge fan of Frank's Red Hot or buffalo sauce in general for the same reasons. I'll eat some hot wings if you put them in front of me, but if there are other sauce options on the menu (e.g.: spicy teriyaki or mango habañero), I'm far more likely to push for ordering those.
Another vague exception for me is a good spicy bloody Mary, which are often made with a few dashes of Tabasco. To me the blend of flavors in the mix and the presence of copious amounts of alcohol help to mask the spicy old crotch aroma of the Tabasco, making it tolerable again.
I would even credit Tabasco and Crystal hot sauces with setting me back quite a bit on my youthful journey toward spicy Nirvana. Back when I knew I wanted to try spicy things, but didn't really know where to turn, I bought Tabasco sauce because it was the big popular sauce everyone seemed to like. And, yeah, it was a bit spicy, but it just fucked the hell out of the flavor of anything I put it on. I was definitely disappointed. So I tried Crystal hot sauce next because it was the next popular hot sauce over on the grocery store shelf, but with much the same result. I decided then that I must not like hot sauces in general. I ended up playing with sprinkling red pepper flakes and straight ground cayenne pepper on my food for the next few years because I knew I wanted the heat, but not the shitty vinegar-ass flavor that I was led to assume all hot sauces had.
Knowing all the really fabulous hot sauces that are out there now, I'm honestly retroactively angry at Tabasco sauce for convincing teenage me that he didn't like hot sauce.
Fuck you, Tabasco.
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