In researching hot sauces, I've found a great number of them that gleefully wish to capitalize on the fact that a certain percentage of the population experiences intestinal distress and bowel issues after having eaten spicy foods. In other words, there are an inordinate number of sauces named after asses and fire-shits.
I mean, ha ha, I get it. Butts are funny. Poop is funny. Someone's butthole burning while they shit spicy diarrhea is funny. Sure, we all agree. But is it particularly appetizing? I guess that's subjective.
Here follows a randomly collected list of hot sauces with ass- or shit-related names. Most links are Amazon affiliate links, so I get a tiny speck of money if you click on them and then shop Amazon as you normally would.
Queen of Farts
Kneel! Kneel in the presence of royalty! Seated upon a throne of her own wind, she rules over all with a howling rectum. Okay, you can groan and shake your head all you want, but that was arguably better than the 'clever' copy they came up with: "Cut the cheese and kick it up with this famous state of the fart hot sauce. God shave the Queen." See what I mean?
Ring Of Fire Original Habañero Hot Sauce
If you thought the name of this sauce perhaps referred to the earthquake- and volcano-prone zone of the Pacific Ocean's basin, let me direct your attention to this bit of ad copy: "So hot it'll burn ya' twice." So what they're saying is, when you first ingest the sauce, it will cause a burning sensation in your mouth. Later, when you go to expel digested food from your body, the ring of your anal sphincter will experience a burning as though in the presence of fire, thus accounting for the second time you'll be burned. I don't know why I have to explain this one to you.
Butt Twister Hot Sauce
Speaking of unyielding forces of nature, this sauce promises that a swirl of tornado-force wind will form a perfect funnel that will make landfall in your butthole. This will be visually impressive as hell, but the property damage will be brutal, plus those storm chasers can be a nuisance. When you see a cow fly by, you'll know it's working.
Ass in Space Hot Sauce
Now we're talking real fire. Do you know how great a jet of flame you'd have to expel from your ass to propel you skyward with enough force to achieve escape velocity and break the bonds of earth's gravity? Neither do I. Luckily we don't have to because NASA and the makers of this hot sauce have done those calculations for you. Now if you could just remember where you put your space helmet...
Bunster's Shit the Bed Hot Sauce
This Australian sauce eschews threats of rectally generated flames in favor of a less painful but not necessarily more pleasant promise: That you'll lose control of your bowels in your sleep. I haven't been able to find an official connection between Bunster's and the adult diaper industry, but whoever proves the link exists will either save us all or never be heard from again.
Ass Kickin Hot sauce - Flavor: Ghost Pepper
Who doesn't enjoy a good old-fashioned ass kickin'? But does this sauce put on a boot and lodge its foot in your posterior with force? No! The image on the label tells us the sauce is an ass with a propensity for kicking. But it also proclaims that it's "Kick Yo' Ass Hot". So it is an ass and it kicks your ass. Ass.
Smack My Ass and Call Me Sally Habañero Hot Sauce
As far as violence towards asses goes, this instance is at least consensual. "But it looks like the sign was put on his back as a prank! That's clearly not consensual," I pretend to hear you object. Don't be fooled by Carl's shit. The sympathy thing is part of it for him. He put the sign on his own back and then walked around with his pants around his knees for forty-five minutes before finding someone at the party interested in indulging him. Carl is selfish and not very situationally aware, and he's not invited to my nephew's birthday parties anymore.
Rectum Ripper XXX 1/2 Hot Sauce
The mere kicking and smacking you so bemoaned;
You'd now freely exchange for all you owned;
The consumption of this sauce was a fearful blunder;
For now your poor tender rectum lies torn asunder!
Woe! WOE!
Ass Reaper Hot Sauce
The recent trend of anti-ass violence appears to have escalated to its ghastliest possible conclusion. This one went all out and decorated the bottle to look like a skeletal robed figure that...harvests your ass? "Is it my time?" you ask the ghoulish specter before you. It silently shakes its head and points one bony digit toward your rump.
Ass Blaster Sauce with Outhouse
Oh, it comes in a cute little outhouse-shaped box so you can imagine having burning diarrhea before indoor plumbing was popular! Adorable! I want to put it in my mouth! "We call it Ass Blaster hot sauce for a reason." Was that reason your advanced level of maturity and keen marketing acumen?
Professor Phardtpounders Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce
I feel like this one's trying too hard with the fake Germanic name. They should have gone whole hog and called it "Herr Kommandant FeuerScheiss's Final Ass Solution". Also, what is he a professor of? What does his syllabus look like? I fear for the future of the education system.
Professor Payne Indeass's Sphincter Shrinker XXX Hot Sauce
Another professor? Did they attend the same scatological university or are they bitter rivals in the war for your ass? "Phardtpounder, you cad, you will not best me this time! I will shrink these sphincters, making them almost impossible for you to clean!"
Dr. Assburn's Fire Roasted Habanero Pepper Sauce
Speaking of higher education, what this bottle doesn't tell you is that Dr. Assburn is not actually a medical doctor. His doctorate is in music appreciation. Don't take medical or ass-related advice from Dr. Assburn.
Hemorrhoid Helper Habañero Hot Sauce
It seems like I shouldn't even have to say this, but with all of these phony ass doctors advertising their services, someone has to speak up. If this hot sauce affects your hemorrhoids in any way, positively or negatively, then I assure you unequivocally that you're using it wrong.
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