I am absolutely in love with these pickles.  When I eat these pickles, I wonder why people currently make or have ever historically endeavored to make any other kind of pickles, ever.  Later, when enough time has passed for the lingering tangy flavor to leave my tongue and for me to regain perspective and recover from my own hyperbole, I remember my abiding love for cornichons, too.  And, you know...a good standard dill pickle is nice sometimes.  But Archer Farms Bloody Mary Pickle Spears, man...they're just way too good.  Just, like, really swell.

As far as I know, Archer Farms is a house brand at Target, so you'll have to look for them there if you want to try them for yourself.  I don't believe they're distributed through any other stores.

Rather than a clear, vinegary brine, these pickles come suspended in a thick, opaque, tomato-tinged liquid.  Some batches of brine are thinner than others, but usually the pickles look like they're floating in a thick tomato sauce.

The flavor is very close to that of a decent Bloody Mary, minus the vodka, of course.  The pickles are so tasty, we decided to test whether you could actually just add vodka to the brine and happily drink it as a Bloody Mary.

Thankfully, when we tried it, we did it using unambitious little shot glasses.  It turns out the brine is actually far too salty and strong to actually be considered a beverage.  But maybe Bloody Mary pickle brine vodka shots could somehow be incorporated into a drinking game at your next party, with the strength and saltiness of the brine adding that extra bit of challenge.  Just be sure to have a glass of water (or several) handy.
As is the current fashion, we added every garnish we had on hand:  Tiny celery stalks, capers, onions, jalapeño olives, and the aforementioned cornichons.
But the pickles.  Oh, the pickles.

Tangy, savory, spicy, crunchy.  They're so perfect.  So delicious.  And all for less than three bucks.

I highly, highly, highly recommend you pick up a jar of these if they sound at all interesting to you.  And if you're getting one jar, go ahead and grab another while you're there.  It'll stave off the waves of abject disappointment when you finish the first jar way faster than you thought you would.




0

I first discovered Huy Fong Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce when I saw it sitting on the table of a cheap  Chinese restaurant in Carson City, NV, of all places. This is especially surprising when you consider that I spent the first 23 years of my life living right on the edge of Chinatown in San Francisco.  Yes, yes, I know that Huy Fong's Sriracha is a Vietnamese variation of a Thai sauce, but I'm saying it's funny that I grew up in a major city, surrounded by several cultures and cuisines, and it took me moving to a much smaller, much less ethnically diverse city to discover Sriracha.

Ubiquity!

Sriracha is the sauce that made me realize I probably did like hot sauce after all.  After Tabasco scared me off of hot sauces, I spent several years in my young adulthood simply sprinkling cayenne pepper on food in order to make it spicier.  This was mostly effective, but not the most flavorful or pleasant way to add heat to things.

But then I sat there in that restaurant in northern Nevada with a bowl of won ton soup in front of me and this big bottle on the table caught my eye.  It was a red-orange sauce with a bright green cap and a little rooster on it.  I mused aloud about it and the friend who was with me said, "Oh, yeah...that's rooster sauce.  I mean, it has a real name, but all my friends call it rooster sauce.  It's really good!"

I was intrigued, but hesitant.

I have to pause for a confession.  I am actually, by nature, a huge coward about spicy food.  Perhaps it's because I'm from the Land of the Bland.  Perhaps it's because I was always a picky eater growing up.  Or maybe it's just an expression of my general, deep-seated cowardice.  Whatever the source, my traditional first instinct when approaching something spicy has been fearful caution.  It's only been through a series of accidentally eating things that are "too spicy" and then finding I'd enjoyed the experience that I've trained myself to know that I should probably plow ahead when faced with that fear.  But this story takes place very early in my capsicum-laced journey, so the fear was real and very present.

I bravely tasted a tiny little bit.  It was great!  It was spicy, but with a mild sweetness that complemented the savory garlic flavor really well. Emboldened, I gamely went to add a little bit to my soup, but accidentally squirted out way more than I'd meant to.  The broth turned red and cloudy...almost opaque.  What had I done?!?  But I steeled my nerve and tasted the soup, which turned out to be scrumptious and spicy.

And then I immediately swallowed it wrong and choked on my own hot peppered throat for a while.

Undeterred, I dove back in, drinking the searing brothy elixir.  I was hooked.  I bought a bottle of my own at my next opportunity, which was pretty shortly thereafter because there were not one, but two Asian markets in Carson City at the time.

I got so into it that at one point, I mused it might make a pretty good pasta sauce all on its own (which it really actually doesn't).

Okay, maybe not good for EVERYTHING.  But do you think I can pay for Sriracha on my FSA?
To this day, it's still my most common day-to-day hot sauce.  Eggs, pasta, soup, pizza, sandwiches, potatoes, rice, chicken, hamburgers, steak, etc., etc.  It's good on almost everything.  I've seen people put it on Mexican food, and I'm not judging, but I find its sweet garlicky taste is not ideal when combined with such fare.  That's my personal experience, though.

It's just a really excellent sauce and needs to be in your kitchen.

And did you know they've started putting it in little to-go packets like ketchup?  Why didn't this happen sooner?


2

Several news outlets are reporting that the world record holder for hottest chili pepper has been defeated by a new contender:  The Dragon's Breath.

Here's the story on The Daily Post.
Little.  Orange.  Deadly.
In case you've been hit by a paralytic poison dart and can't navigate away from this page, the article tells us that a Welsh fellow named Mike Smith has created a chili cultivar that beats out the top pungency numbers for the Carolina Reaper, which has been the world record holder for spicy heat since 2013. 

Note that in the embedded video, the grower mentions that the Carolina Reaper clocks in at 1.4 million Scoville Heat Units.  But a bit of research (Wikipedia) tells me that the official Guinness World Record heat level recorded for the Reaper is actually 1,569,300.  That number's an average of the samples tested, with the top sample topping out at 2.2 million.  I probably shouldn't quibble, since the Dragon's Breath's recorded 2.48 million is actually the average of samples tested, with the top number (displayed in the photo below) being over 2.7 million.  Military grade pepper spray is supposed to be about 2 million SHU.  Ouch!

The new pepper is so pungent, in fact, that Mr. Smith (if that is his real name) provides us with a warning that attempting to pop one in your mouth might actually damage your airways and could lead to death by anaphylactic shock.

This raises some interesting questions for me.

In the world of chiliheads, extreme heat is touted with much reverence and bravado.  The more natural (extract-free) heat you can wrestle from a single cultivar of pepper, the more you can charge for a sauce and the more hits you can get on your website (or blog post...hint hint).  The fervent pursuit of hot, spicy food is not generally characterized by timid restraint.

But as new hybrids and cultivars are developed every few years, each hotter than the last, are we not bound to eventually hit the absolute limit of human tolerance?  If a hot pepper can't be consumed on its own without potentially killing someone, is it still food?  The article linked above mentions that the new pepper may have medicinal applications due to its strong concentration of capsaicin.  And I imagine it could be used very sparingly to heat up hot sauces or chili powders.  But if we already can't pop one of these in our mouth, then what about the next, even hotter pepper?

And at what point do these peppers stop being food altogether?  At what point does the development of new chilies become a sporting competition to make the highest possible numbers spit out of a high performance liquid chromatograph in a hermetically sealed lab somewhere?  Or, even worse, when do they become purely a weaponized fruit, with bushels of them being strewn from the bomb bay doors of half-melted drones?

Or would a mutated strain of human arise, inured to the searing pungency of these new death-peppers, crunching them up happily by the handful and demanding more heat?  Would these Capsicoids rise up to rule over a sea of weeping, sweating, gasping humanity? 

I'm practicing for that day by drinking straight hot sauce and bowing a lot.
0

Undeterred by my decidedly unspicy experience with Maruchan's Sriracha Chicken Flavor Ramen, I grabbed another one of their products that claimed to be hot and spicy: Maruchan Instant Lunch - Hot & Spicy Beef Flavor.


I associate these cup-style ramen delivery systems more with grade school than with poor college students.  I was always immediately jealous if some kid at school had one in their lunch.  The noodles always seem lower quality than what's in regular ramen packets, a perception that's probably enhanced by the fact that they never quite hydrate properly even if you follow the directions perfectly.  But they come in their own little Styrofoam cup and have little vegetables in them, so from a kid's point of view, they seem vastly fancier.

The words "Hot" and "Spicy" appear on the packaging many times.  It's like they're trying to tell us something...

Mmmm...powdery...

Yep, this is both instant and lunch.

Noodles enlarged to show noodleyness.
The flavor and quality is exactly what you'd expect from an instant noodle in a cup.  But I was actually pleasantly surprised by the level of heat in these noodles.  To my taste, they're by no means "hot", but the heat level definitely reads as intentional.  Where the Sriracha ramen from the same brand had no noticeable heat, this flavor definitely has a mild, enjoyable edge of spicy to it.

Would I recommend it?  Well, that depends.  If you can get your hands on some Shin Ramyun instead, I'd say do that without hesitation.  But if you're shopping for Maruchan Instant Lunch anyway and the Hot & Spicy Beef flavor is available, I say grab it.
0

Still on the entitlement train for my birthday early in February, I got myself a bottle of High River Sauces' Rogue Moruga Blood Orange Scorpion Pepper Sauce.


I was enticed by the promise of high heat from the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion and Ghost Peppers, each of which have been declared the hottest pepper on earth in recent history before being eclipsed by another.  I was also drawn to the delicious-sounding combo of fruits, which includes blood oranges and pears.


The color on this sauce is really beautiful, but I have to warn you that it's very thin and watery.  It's very, very easy to dump an eighth of the bottle onto your food when you're trying to just add a dash.


My wife commented that the flavor is very vinegary, but I find the combo of the use of apple cider vinegar along with the sweet tang of the fruit ingredients makes the sharp flavor vibrant and keeps it out of the dreaded Tabasco zone.

The heat level is nice, but not overwhelming.  On the many occasions that I've accidentally dumped way more of the thin sauce than I meant to on my food, I've still enjoyed the flavor and heat and not found it too spicy for my tastes.  The sauce's sweetness and the fact that the hot peppers are relatively low on the ingredients list probably contributes to that.

The good:  Sharp, fruity flavor.  Decent heat.

The bad:  Very runny consistency.  Could be hotter.


0


I'm not that into chips in general.  It's not that I'm not a snacky person, but when I'm craving something to munch on, chips are not my first choice.  There are exceptions, of course.  Tortilla chips with salsa or guacamole are great now and then.  And I enjoy the occasional salt and vinegar kettle chip or those barbecue twist Fritos.  But generally a bag of chips sitting near me isn't a huge temptation.

But my prodigious waistline and I have found a way.  The exception that overrules all other exceptions.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Turbos Flamas by Sabritas.

Sabritas was a potato chip company founded in Mexico in the '40s, but Pepsico bought it in the '60s and it's now the Mexican brand and distributor of all Frito-Lay products.  Those of us in states bordering Mexico can also find some of their products next to the Lay's in the chip aisle.  And that's just where I found Turbos Flamas.

I was first drawn to them by their physical resemblance to the aforementioned Frito Honey BBQ Flavor Twists, the texture of which I really like.  The rotini-like shape led my wife and I to call them "noodle chips".  They have a finer grind than tortilla chips or regular Fritos, but still not so fine that they just go to mush in your mouth.  And while I'm not generally in love with chili/lime everything, the hyperbolic promise of high levels of heat made me think I should at least try Turbos Flamas once.  And then I tried them, like, a hundred times.


These crunchy little cornmeal twists covered in a chili-lime flavored red powder are a real weakness for me.  In fact, the only thing that keeps me from inhaling whole bags in one sitting is the sheer intensity of flavor.  The heat alone is not enough to dissuade me, although it does build up nicely as you eat them.  But along with the spicy heat is a tart, tangy lime flavor that escalates alongside it, the combo of the two eventually making it feel as though if you don't stop eating them, you'll be whistling through holes in both cheeks.

And it's so good.  It's so intense.  This is a snack with absolutely zero subtlety.

And by the time you've cried "uncle" your fingers are coated in a thick layer of  radioactive magenta dust.  Ungodly red swirls around the drain when you wash your hands afterward in an unintentional tribute to Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho.

I hate and love these snacks.

They're going to kill me someday, I know it.


0


I chose Elijah's Xtreme Reaper Sauce because it won a first place Scovie for 2017 in the XXX Hot Sauce category.  On top of that, it just sounded really interesting from the ingredients list, which includes black cherries, cranberry sauce, Kentucky bourbon whiskey and vanilla.

I also grabbed it because the Carolina Reaper secured a Guinness World Record certification as the  hottest chili pepper in the world in 2013. 

Yes, I finished a third of the bottle before remembering to photograph it...
 You can immediately smell the cherries and vanilla as soon as you open the bottle.  The ad copy for the sauce proclaimed "tastes great on just about everything… even ice cream!"  So I immediately put it on ice some vanilla ice cream.  The flavor and aroma are so desserty that I'm actually having a hard time imagining putting it on anything else.  Maybe it would be good on some pork or chicken where the sweet, fruity taste might make a good complement.  But I definitely wouldn't add this to soup or a burrito.
Look at that beautiful texture.  You can see little chunks of cherry and cranberry.
It tastes pretty much exactly like it smells.  I don't detect as much tartness from the cranberries as I might have liked, but the cherry flavor tinged with vanilla is really prominent and quite good.

Iced cream, anyone?  With a little leftover birthday cake bonus.
And the Carolina Reaper heat delivers.  I thought it wasn't all that hot when I took my first taste, but it really built up on me.  I think the sweetness of the sauce masks the heat a bit at first, and that effect was probably enhanced by the sugar and milk of the ice cream I was eating it with.  I think I'd also hyped it up in my mind as the sauce that would definitely kill me due to the Carolina Reaper's world record heat.  But whatever my preconceptions, the sauce definitely packs a high, lingering spicy heat.  The end result is really exciting and delicious.

I recommend this sauce if you perk up at the idea of a very spicy, sweet sauce drizzled over ice cream.  But to my taste, this sauce's uses are somewhat limited by the desserty flavor profile, which makes this a little bit of a gimmick sauce in my book.

Very tasty, but I can't see using it every day.

Side note:  My wife had a bit of an allergic reaction to this sauce, which sucks because she found it really delicious, despite not being into super-spicy foods.  She has a really severe allergy to bell peppers, but she's always had good luck with jalapeños, habañeros, serranos, etc.  So generally the mildest of peppers makes her throat close, but hot peppers are fine.  This was her first time tasting anything containing Carolina Reaper peppers, so it's possible she's actually allergic to those.  None of the other listed ingredients are foods she reacts to, so it's either the Reapers or maybe there's a little bit of unlisted bell pepper in this sauce.


0


YouTube is rife with videos of people taking the "Fire Noodle Challenge".  This is the common nickname for people's attempts to eat a serving of Samyang Foods' famously spicy Buldak Bokkeum Myun (불닭볶음면 - Hot Chicken Flavor Ramyun).  Many mortals absolutely lose their minds with distress and anguish over how spicy it is.  A few curiously shrug it off like it's nothing special.

Introduced in 2012 by Samyang Foods,  Buldak Bokkeum Myun is considered one of the spiciest commercial ramyun in Korea.




The usual gist of the challenge is to consume the spicy noodles as quickly as possible.  I guess this keeps people from trying to eat a bit of noodles every half-hour or so, taking advantage of plenty of recovery time between bites, and then claiming they "won" the challenge.  On top of that, who wants to watch a four-hour video of someone crying over noodles?

But I'm not really interested in wolfing noodles as fast as possible on video.  My question is, are these noodles spicy hot and enjoyable?  Will it burn my face off?  Will I die weeping in a puddle of sticky, spicy sauce?

Let's find out.

The packet on the left is a mix of sesame seeds and flakes of laver (seaweed).  The packet on the right is the sauce.

Buldak Bokkeum Myun differs from the standard ramen soup we eat in America in that the "soup base" isn't a powder that's intended to be mixed with water to make a broth.  Instead, you get a little packet filled with a thick pre-mixed sauce.  Instead of mixing the soup base into the boiling water with the noodles, you cook the noodles and drain them as though you're making spaghetti.

Naked ramyun.  NSFW.
Then you add the sauce.  It squeezes out of its little packet looking almost black, like thick crude oil sludge tinged with red.

Black gold.  Texas tea.
Stirring it up reveals the deep red-orange of the sauce.  Plenty of chili oil and chili powder in there.  Promising...and scary?  It certainly smells good.


I skipped the little packet of sprinkly stuff because of the seaweed.  My wife wanted to taste it with me and seaweed tends to trigger her severe shrimp allergy.  I'm also just not a huge fan of seaweed, myself.  It's like dried lawn clippings that taste like the wharf.  Pass.

The first thing that hit me about the sauce was a noticeable sweetness, which then faded to a savory flavor that I compared to a concentrated ramen soup base packet.  It's quite tasty, but it's intense.  Then the spiciness crept up on me.  I think the initial sweetness cuts the heat a bit, making it almost unnoticeable at first.  Maybe this is by design, like a tricky flavor special effect.

So here's where you're either going to be disappointed or super impressed with my spicy food-eating prowess.  While Buldak Bokkeum Myun is definitely quite spicy - definitely far spicier than most American palates can handle - I personally didn't get sent into paroxysms of agony and panic over it.  It had a nice, lingering, burning heat and I was left doing that little hissing, breathing-through-the-teeth thing I do when something really hot sticks with me for a while.  But I also found it completely tolerable and not too spicy to eat casually.

My wife, who proclaims herself not to be a huge fan of spicy foods, took a few decent-sized bites and declared that it wasn't way too hot for her, either.  She described how her lips burned afterward and definitely expressed some discomfort.  But she also didn't scream or cry or eagerly grope for something to drink.  And she went back for more.  If I'd bought more than one package, I think she'd have asked me to make her one, too.  Now, to be fair, she has been living with me for about 15 years, so her sense of what's way too hot is almost definitely skewed compared to the palate of the average Midwesterner.  But I typically can tolerate far hotter foods than she can and this didn't utterly destroy her.

All gone.
So, despite not gorging on these noodles as quickly as possible, I think it's fair to say I "won" the challenge.  I ate the whole thing (minus a few bites that went to my wife) and lived to tell about it.

Was it tasty?  Yes, despite a little bit of an over-processed undertone to the flavor of the sauce.

Was it hot?  Yes, but I didn't find it debilitating.

Would I buy it again?  Absolutely...probably a four-pack next time.


2



I found the cup version of Shin Black, which is the less spicy, more flavorful cousin to Nongshim's Shin Ramyun.  I was excited to try it because I've enjoyed the original Shin Ramyun so much.


Shin Black's extra savory flavor comes from an additional broth packet.

Two packets is more flavor than one packet.


The additional packet is labeled "SUL-LONG-TANG" (설렁탕 - Seolleongtang), which refers to a traditional Korean broth made from slow-simmered ox bones.  The ingredient list on the package tells me Shin Black's answer to this is "beef bone extract".


Shin Black also appears to have more quantity and variety of dehydrated vegetables compared to the regular version.  I can clearly identify two kinds of mushrooms, scallions and little rings of sliced red chilies.

Spicy soup powder on the left, bone broth powder on the right.

When cooked, the broth smells absolutely delicious.  The flavor is less spicy, but deeper, richer and more complex than regular Shin Ramyun.  I was raised in America, so my palate is not finely tuned in detecting umami, but I'd be willing to wager this broth is umami as fuck.



Do I prefer Shin Black over the original flavor of Shin Ramyun?  No, not really.  Mind you, this is a really delicious instant soup.  But personally, I'm more fond of the spicier broth of Shin Ramyun and if given the choice, I'll reach for that.  But I'd still recommend Shin Black if you're in the mood for a deep, meaty, complex instant noodle experience.
0



In-N-Out Burger is a much-fabled West Coast institution.  Formerly located only in California, they've started expanding to surrounding states only recently.  Because it's one of those burger places they don't have everywhere, people tend to elevate its reputation to near-mythical status.  People visiting California make a point to get In-N-Out and show it off on social media, inspiring the fierce jealousy of their friends.  From its inflated reputation, you'd think the burgers are made of magic and the fries cure genital warts.

Well, I checked, and they don't.

But In-N-Out makes really decent fast food and sells it for really cheap.  Part of how they do that is by having a very limited menu.  There's no $8 Ghost Pepper Aioli and Parmesan Double Bacon Burger.  There's no Southwestern Teriyaki Squid Bowl.  You can get a burger, with or without cheese, with one or two patties, some fries and a soda or shake.  Period.

Yes, there's a whole "secret menu", but the secret is they can mix the same ingredients in various ways and then give those creations cute names.  For example, a burger ordered "animal style" has all the usual stuff, plus some mustard on the burger patty and some grilled onions mushed into the cheese.  But it's the same onions, meat, cheese, etc. that you'd get on their regular cheeseburger, just with a little flair added to the preparation.

I enjoy In-N-Out.  Aside from the usual fake-cheese-itis that seems to be a universal fact of life at fast food places,the ingredients are fresh and of high quality.  And the limited menu actually lets you know what you're getting every time.  Consistent quality at a price that doesn't break the $4/item mark in most areas.

So why am I talking about a fast food place with a very limited, traditional burger joint menu on a blog about hot and spicy foods?  It's because of these hot little peppers you can get on the side.

A little Internet research tells me these are probably Cascabella peppers.

These pickled yellow peppers are surprisingly hot considering the other generic American fare available at In-N-Out.  Definitely hotter than gringo hot. Just a really respectable burn.  They're very similar in flavor to a typical pickled banana peppers or peperoncini, but far spicier.

You can ask for them chopped up on your burger or you can get them on the side.  I highly recommend them.

One warning:  Since they stopped handing these out in little cellophane-wrapped packets and started insisting you fish them out of a little trough at the ketchup station, I've encountered a few batches that are WAY too salty.  I don't go to In-N-Out very often, so I can't swear to how often batches of peppers get oversalted.  But the last time I went, they were just fine.

I should also note that in spring of 2016, there was a shortage of the peppers at the source, so In-N-Out locations were forced to ration them or even deny them to customers.  But on a recent visit, they were sitting at the ketchup station in abundance, so I think the shortage has passed.
0



After I bemoaned the complete lack of spiciness in the Sriracha ramen I tried recently, a friend recommended I try Shin Ramyun (thanks, Cindy!).  Not to ruin the ending, but I was not disappointed.

Ramyun is Korean for "ramen".
Shin Ramyun is made by Nongshim and is the most popular instant noodle in South Korea.  It's exported all over the world from plants in South Korea, China and the United States.  The version I'm eating was manufactured in the U.S.

Shin Ramyun is a big step up in quality compared to the average $0.25/package ramen that's a daily staple of so many American dorm-dwellers and stoners and the price tag reflects that.  I found a four-pack at a nearby Wal-Mart for under $4.00, but you can expect to pay over a dollar per pack at most stores.


The noodles come in a cute bowl- and pot-friendly round puck unlike the usual square blocks of cheap noodles we all know so well.  Along with the usual soup/seasoning powder is a separate pack of dehydrated vegetables and beef.

When cooked, the noodles are springy and have a really nice texture.  The beef-based broth has a rich, deep flavor and you can see little beads of fat shimmering on the surface. 



And compared to the weak, apologetic heat of most "spicy" foods on the American market, this product has a really respectable heat to it.  I find it by no means overpowering, but it builds up nicely as you eat it.  You definitely know you're eating something intentionally spicy.

When my wife first tasted some of from my bowl, she said she could barely taste any flavor in the broth except for spicy.  But later, she asked for a serving of her own and made "yum" noises all the way through.

Of course, I'm a savage garbage person who craves even more heat, so I usually add some Sriracha and a dash of whatever habañero-based sauce I'm in the mood for at the moment, as well as some accoutrements such as sliced onion, peas and an egg.

...plus some sliced roast beef.  Why not?  I'm fat.
I highly recommend Shin Ramyun.  I've already gone back to buy more and my second round of it is already gone.  I'm probably consuming too much sodium, honestly.


0


In researching hot sauces, I've found a great number of them that gleefully wish to capitalize on the fact that a certain percentage of the population experiences intestinal distress and bowel issues after having eaten spicy foods.  In other words, there are an inordinate number of sauces named after asses and fire-shits.

I mean, ha ha, I get it.  Butts are funny.  Poop is funny.  Someone's butthole burning while they shit spicy diarrhea is funny.  Sure, we all agree.  But is it particularly appetizing?  I guess that's subjective.

Here follows a randomly collected list of hot sauces with ass- or shit-related names.  Most links are Amazon affiliate links, so I get a tiny speck of money if you click on them and then shop Amazon as you normally would.


Queen of Farts


Kneel!  Kneel in the presence of royalty!  Seated upon a throne of her own wind, she rules over all with a howling rectum.  Okay, you can groan and shake your head all you want, but that was arguably better than the 'clever' copy they came up with:  "Cut the cheese and kick it up with this famous state of the fart hot sauce.  God shave the Queen."  See what I mean?


Ring Of Fire Original Habañero Hot Sauce



If you thought the name of this sauce perhaps referred to the earthquake- and volcano-prone zone of the Pacific Ocean's basin, let me direct your attention to this bit of ad copy:  "So hot it'll burn ya' twice."  So what they're saying is, when you first ingest the sauce, it will cause a burning sensation in your mouth.  Later, when you go to expel digested food from your body, the ring of your anal sphincter will experience a burning as though in the presence of fire, thus accounting for the second time you'll be burned.  I don't know why I have to explain this one to you.


Butt Twister Hot Sauce 


Speaking of unyielding forces of nature, this sauce promises that a swirl of tornado-force wind will form a perfect funnel that will make landfall in your butthole.  This will be visually impressive as hell, but the property damage will be brutal, plus those storm chasers can be a nuisance.  When you see a cow fly by, you'll know it's working.


Ass in Space Hot Sauce


Now we're talking real fire.  Do you know how great a jet of flame you'd have to expel from your ass to propel you skyward with enough force to achieve escape velocity and break the bonds of earth's gravity?  Neither do I.  Luckily we don't have to because NASA and the makers of this hot sauce have done those calculations for you.  Now if you could just remember where you put your space helmet...


Bunster's Shit the Bed Hot Sauce


This Australian sauce eschews threats of rectally generated flames in favor of a less painful but not necessarily more pleasant promise:  That you'll lose control of your bowels in your sleep.  I haven't been able to find an official connection between Bunster's and the adult diaper industry, but whoever proves the link exists will either save us all or never be heard from again.


Ass Kickin Hot sauce - Flavor: Ghost Pepper


Who doesn't enjoy a good old-fashioned ass kickin'?  But does this sauce put on a boot and lodge its foot in your posterior with force?  No!  The image on the label tells us the sauce is an ass with a propensity for kicking.  But it also proclaims that it's "Kick Yo' Ass Hot".  So it is an ass and it kicks your ass.  Ass.


Smack My Ass and Call Me Sally Habañero Hot Sauce


As far as violence towards asses goes, this instance is at least consensual.  "But it looks like the sign was put on his back as a prank!  That's clearly not consensual," I pretend to hear you object.  Don't be fooled by Carl's shit.  The sympathy thing is part of it for him.  He put the sign on his own back and then walked around with his pants around his knees for forty-five minutes before finding someone at the party interested in indulging him.  Carl is selfish and not very situationally aware, and he's not invited to my nephew's birthday parties anymore.


Rectum Ripper XXX 1/2 Hot Sauce

 
The mere kicking and smacking you so bemoaned;
You'd now freely exchange for all you owned;
The consumption of this sauce was a fearful blunder;
For now your poor tender rectum lies torn asunder!  
Woe!  WOE! 


Ass Reaper Hot Sauce


The recent trend of anti-ass violence appears to have escalated to its ghastliest possible conclusion.  This one went all out and decorated the bottle to look like a skeletal robed figure that...harvests your ass?  "Is it my time?" you ask the ghoulish specter before you.  It silently shakes its head and points one bony digit toward your rump.


Ass Blaster Sauce with Outhouse


Oh, it comes in a cute little outhouse-shaped box so you can imagine having burning diarrhea before indoor plumbing was popular!  Adorable!  I want to put it in my mouth!  "We call it Ass Blaster hot sauce for a reason."  Was that reason your advanced level of maturity and keen marketing acumen?


Professor Phardtpounders Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce


I feel like this one's trying too hard with the fake Germanic name. They should have gone whole hog and called it "Herr Kommandant FeuerScheiss's Final Ass Solution".  Also, what is he a professor of?  What does his syllabus look like?  I fear for the future of the education system.


Professor Payne Indeass's Sphincter Shrinker XXX Hot Sauce


Another professor?  Did they attend the same scatological university or are they bitter rivals in the war for your ass?  "Phardtpounder, you cad, you will not best me this time!  I will shrink these sphincters, making them almost impossible for you to clean!"


Dr. Assburn's Fire Roasted Habanero Pepper Sauce


Speaking of higher education, what this bottle doesn't tell you is that Dr. Assburn is not actually a medical doctor.  His doctorate is in music appreciation.  Don't take medical or ass-related advice from Dr. Assburn.


Hemorrhoid Helper Habañero Hot Sauce


It seems like I shouldn't even have to say this, but with all of these phony ass doctors advertising their services, someone has to speak up.  If this hot sauce affects your hemorrhoids in any way, positively or negatively, then I assure you unequivocally that you're using it wrong.

0